Monthly Archives: June 2012
You’ll never go hungry here in the plaza. The choice is endless. There are ice cream carts, the Sno Cone wagon (if you know the secret password you can even get a Sno Cone margarita!) churros, tamales, nachos and a nice assortment of gourmet creepie crawlies. Meet El Cochino. He strolls around the plaza with a paper plate displaying a living menu; little spiders, ants, beetles, roaches, and other appetizers. But in this case, it’s El Cochino who does the eating. Offer him a coin, make your selection from the delicacies on the plate, and he’ll gobble it down. Yummy! Hey, no carbs, no saturated fats, no salt, and zero cholesterol. I have. however, seen El Cochino squeeze a little lemon juice over the morsel. Well, that at least, makes sense.
Without you saying a word I will tell you
everything you want to know 100% guaranteed.
I remove bad luck and protect you from the envious
and drive away all evil spirits.
I cure ills in business and protect your job and your business.
I offer spiritual cleansing and amulets for your protection.
I reunite the estranged and hasten matrimony.
I cure sexual impotence in men and infertility in women.
Need to know if your partner is faithful or unfaithful?
I perform powerful love spells
whether it is your novio, your husband, or your lover.
A funny thing happened to me on the way to the Diana the other day. As I took a shortcut across the plaza, a dark woman dressed in window curtains appeared at my side and handed me the flyer you see here. A pretty extensive menu of magic a la carte! I thought I would translate this vital information for the benefit of my readers who may find these services useful. Here in Tecate you are only steps away from a wide variety of magic to get through life’s little problems.
My readers have long known that I’ve been in a stormy relationship since Enchiladas, Rice, And Beans was published in 1994. It’s been my experience that relationships are either beautiful or miserable; meaningful or pointless; fulfilling or empty. Oh, it began nice enough like any case of first love. But over time I endured total indifference to my needs, disobedience, acts of betrayal, culminating in months of arduous work gone, vanished. Forever lost! I tried to salvage the affair. I turned to counseling and brought in a local technician. There was a lot of clicking and pasting, uploading and downloading. Nothing. I called in a certified nerd from the Other Side. More clicking and pasting, more uploading and downloading. Nada. Well, the farce is over! Either the Dell goes or I go! On the advice of friends who didn’t want to see it end like this, I gave it one last shot; I brought in El Jarocho, a highly respected Kumiai witchman to exorcise the Dell. He assured me he could drive the evil out of an eggplant. There was a lot of chanting and mumbling and lots of smoke. No clicking. When the ritual was over, my study was thick with the mysterious but not unpleasant fragrance of smoking pom, a Mayan ceremonial incense. Then El Jarocho spoke. “Keep the flame burning for seven days,” he instructed me. “Your troubles are over. Five hundred pesos, please”
This is day one.
*Apologies to Graham Greene