The long siege of freezing winds and icy rains finally yields to flaming sunsets and birdsong. Everyone in Tecate is smiling.

FREE TO GOOD HOME

The merry month of May – almost June – and it’s pouring down icy rain! And I can’t get my friends out of the house. They’re getting into everything. This morning the Old Crow was pecking open the cereal boxes. The Chupacabras was hiding behind the bowl in the guest bathroom. I’m expecting my housekeeper to announce, “Señor, either they go or I go!” I have to keep Sonia happy. Sonia is indispensable. She makes the best albondigas. Her sopes are to die for and she never fails to serve me a Don Julio with a smile along with the salsa and chips. And in the evening Sonia brings me my pipe and slippers and says. “Buenas noches, don.” But Sonia is patient – up to a point. So let me know if you’re interested in a new pet. They’re nice companions. I’ve had them all at the Diana for a shooter and it isn’t often that Abraham asks them to leave. The Chupacabras can get cranky. But the Smartasp is quiet. He’s not a problem unless ladies walk into the bar.The gorilla just likes to cuddle. Remember, free to good home.

I’ve probably consulted with every bruja and sorcerer in Tecate. We have Marcelina who practices scatomancy. She uses a duck! You may remember old Obdulio who is into ornithomancy and his canary once told me I was coming into to a fortune. It never happened. Then I paid a visit to Pamela, rather young for a certified diviner. And rather pretty too. Her specialty is gastromancy. She put her ear to my stomach and divined the future based on what she heard. She’s the one who foretold a new romance and new found wealth. Well, Señorita X never made an appearance and finding a dime on the sidewalk was not my idea of a new found wealth. Maybe the enchiladas were a factor. There is one diviner I’ve never had the courage to consult. Angelica practices natimancy. I cannot imagine what a buttocks reveals, but regardless I’m not ready to expose my nalgas at market while she searches for signs and omens. A new bruja I’d never met before came to market a few days ago. Skatharomancy is her forte. She places a number of common garden snails on a white board then sees future events in the slimy trails. The reading went like this; “A stranger is coming into your life – a woman from the Other Side. This little twist in the trail tells us she is very attractive. She is looking for your advice and guidance.” The bruja then pointed out a slimy glop of goo with a number of twists. “Oh! You’re going to lose money.” I couldn’t put much credence in her snail trails. All the fortune tellers say basically the same things. But now I have to admit she’s pretty good. I was at the Diana sipping a margarita when a young and very attractive woman came right up to where I was sitting and asked, “Are you the author of Play, Mariachis, Play!?” Hey, the snails were right on! I admitted I was the author. “I’m writing a book,” she went on, “could you read my manuscript?” When I got back to the ranch I got a call from the mechanic. “Your car is ready, señor, $l,000 U.S.” I have to admit the snails got it right. Then I remembered the last thing the bruja said to me. “On this rainy day you will be surrounded by some old friends. Listen to them.” So, I’m listening. Salud!

FELIZ DIA DE LAS MADRES!!

HALT! WHO GOES THERE!

Officials and civilians of both nations were taken by surprise when this giant piñata suddenly showed up at the international border. No passport. No Green Card. No one seems to know why or how it got there. But there are a number of theories circulating and lots of speculation at the Diana and all the taco shops.